Reflections

It's been one full week since we brought Calvin home. A week that has flown by and has been, dare I say it, way better than I anticipated. We've had a good mixture of visitors, family and alone time. Had a few outings, all successful! Had some great time of reflection and praise. Had many thoughts going through my head that I wanted to share and release.
I know right now my I'm "not myself" and that my hormones are causing me to feel certain emotions stronger than others. I get that. But at the same time I also believe that some of what I'm feeling is true in itself. That it's not influenced by hormones or lack of sleep. That it's just feelings from the Lord of blessings and happiness.

I had so many people tell me that I needed to be prepared that I might not feel an instant bond with my child. That, perhaps, there would be a few days, or a few weeks, where he would feel like a stranger and I wouldn't feel a bond to him.

Hogwash.

I've never felt a connection to another person like I do to my son. I've never instantly felt love like I did that first night in the hospital room. I love Dave fiercely. But loving Calvin is different, as it's supposed to be. Calvin instantly opened a new spot in my heart that I had no idea existed. And over the past week at home, I've only felt that love grow stronger and that spot where he belongs become more full. While I'm thankful for the advice from my friends about the possibility of some mixed emotions when I met Calvin, I'm even more thankful to the Lord that my experience was different. That instead of reservation and hesitancy, I felt love like I've never experienced. If I love Calvin this much, I can only imagine how much Christ loves me.

Happiness and Joy. While these two emotions go hand in hand, I think they are very different also. Being home with my husband and my son makes me happy. I'm content and satisfied in every way. Part of me wishes Calvin would stay a sweet bundle of infant loveliness for the rest of his life. I'm already wondering how I'm going to manage going back to work in 11 weeks. The Lord has overflowed my cup with Joy. Joy. I feel like there is nothing more I could ever want right now. No other blessing that could top what I have. A million pairs of new shoes and a closet full of new clothes topped off with the most sophisticated kitchen to cook in to my hearts content couldn't bring me more joy then looking at my sleeping babe. Cheesy? Of course. True? To the heart. Overly dramatic? I don't think so. Not when you are experiencing it yourself. Not when you feel the Lord's presence in every moment. Not when you've experienced the notion of "family" in a new way. Growing up I had a family. Now the Lord has allowed Dave and I to create a brand new one. One that is completely my own and, to it's core, a part of me.

Secretly, in the back of my mind, I always poked fun at my mom friends whose every post on facebook was about their kids. Who didn't seem to have a life outside of play dates, dirty diapers and frustrations about naps, or the lack thereof. But...dare I say it....I get it now. I understand now that these little people fill up your entire world, that you can lose yourself, in a good way, in their existence. While I will always strive to be a balanced mom, I am sure that, in the back of my mind, I will always be the mom who takes more pride in her children then in any other thing I might accomplish.

I'm not naive. I know that in a few weeks when the sleep deprivation has set in, when I'm tired of being my child's only source of food, when all I want is to go somewhere and shop without worrying about making it home in time to nurse, that I might feel frustrated. I might feel stressed and worn out. I might feel stretched thin. I know that it's not always going to be roses and sunshine and rainbows. I get that, too. I get the fact that, eventually, Calvin will do something that makes me angry and that it's going to be hard disciplining him. I know that he's not always going to just eat, sleep and poop. Eventually he will become a real person, and I'll be challenged and tried in a whole new way. My response to that?

Bring it on.

For there is nothing...no situation or event or fierce toddler....that I will encounter that the Lord will not equip me to handle. His grace for tomorrow is a big lesson I've learned over the past 9 months. My sister in law was the first person to remind me of this back in the fall. And I've clung to it. I've made it my motto. It got me through my pregnancy when all I wanted to do was quit, it got me through my hospital stay (both of them!), it's gotten me through the past week, and it will continue to get me through the coming years. He will get me through. The Lord will be my strength.
I hope that all who read this can have that kind of comfort in the Lord. If not, ask me how you can. I'd be happy to tell you. 

"For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my should knows it very well"

Psalm 139: 13 and 14