Lessons

I feel like the past two years have been a journey of self awareness and lessons in God’s grace. Let me explain……

In less than a month, I’ll be quitting my job to stay at home with Calvin. Words can’t explain how excited I am for this transition, yet how nervous I am at the same time. I think I’m one of the few people in the work who can say that they actually LIKE their job. I do..I like helping people find work, I like giving people hope that things are going to change for them very soon. Sure…to us a job as a cafeteria worker, bus driver, night custodian, teacher’s aide, school secretary or child care worker might not seem like a blessing, but the people whom I deal with view it as such. Several weeks ago, I made a job offer to a young girl who was going to be working in our child care center, and her response to me was “I’ve been praying for a job for three months and I’m so excited to have found such a great place to work.”

Her response melted my heart for so many reasons. First, because I had been there. Rewind two years ago, fresh out of grad school and counting the number of days it took to find a job and say adios to my thriving career as a Starbucks barista. Second, because it was so refreshing to hear someone have the right attitude about finding a job…that it was a gift from God and an answer to prayer, not a sense of entitlement that she had, but gratitude to her Lord for work. But her response also did something else to my heart and attitude…I started to worry. To fear. To regret. To second guess my decisions.

And this has been the issue. I honestly can’t remember a time in my life when I grappled with fear, worry, and doubt as much as I have the past several months. Worry: I’m going to quit my job, decreasing our monthly income after we’ve just increased our expenses with the little bundle of joy sleeping in the nursery down the hall? Worry: Is there going to be enough money for us to make all the bills? Worry: If I quit my job will I ever be able to get back in the workforce and not have to start at the bottom again? Fear: Am I going to be stuck at home with Calvin everyday because we have  no extra money to go anywhere or do anything? Fear: My husband is a teacher and has gone the past two years without a cost of living raise…are we ever going to increase our income if he continues to teach?

And the kicker in the bucket…

Doubt: Is quitting my job to stay home with Calvin the right decision?

When I finally shared my intent to resign with my supervisor and team at work, something happened. I started to become very negative about my job. All of a sudden I hated my job. The people drove me nuts, I was annoyed by all the tedious detail I had to do, and I just couldn’t wait to ”get out of there.” Even Dave noticed my change in attitude. He commented several times about how things seemed to have changed with me. Having dinner with a friend during this time, I had my first self realization that I knew the Lord was trying to teach me. Two years ago, Dave and I prayed fervently for a job for me.  A job that would allow us to increase our income and for me to get my feet wet in the HR world. God provided. He gave my the perfect job for both of these things. And now I was complaining? To complain about my job, to be disgruntled about it and to be negative about it is being negative and complaining about God’s provision and answer to my prayers. Bottom line, complaining about my job was sinful.

Smack in the face.

I realized this and, of course, immediately felt guilty for my actions and my attitude. I made an agreement with myself to change my attitude. And ya know what, with the Lord’s guidance and help, I have. Even Dave said to me the other day “I’ve noticed you’ve been more positive about work lately.”

Not only has my job been an answer to prayer in the sense of provision, but God has also used it to teach me some valuable lessons about myself. For example, I have a strong need to be accepted an liked. In fact, I’d venture to say that this is more important to me then to be successful at my job. At the same time, however, I’ve learned that I am, indeed, a perfectionist. I thought I was the only one of my siblings that didn’t struggle with this trait…boy was I wrong. Tell me something is wrong with my work, and I become my own worst enemy. Self loathing and extremely high expectations are my nemesis at work. I also don’t like other people to take on tasks that I have once done myself. There has been some shifting of duties at my job, and I was almost offended that tasks were taken away from me and given to someone else. It makes me feel incompetent, makes me worry, makes me feel like I’m not dependable, and makes me question my value to my team. I’ve learned that I don’t know how to stand up for myself. I’ve learned that I’m extremely non confrontational, and that I’d rather take the blame for something than defend my actions and decision. I’ve learned that I will never make excuses for myself….no one accepts them to begin with and it just makes people look weak. I’ve learned to accept who I am, to realize that I have value to add to any situation. I’ve learned how to think critically, to problem solve, to find the answers when I don’t have them, to be a positive influence no matter what the situation.

I’ve gained confidence.

All of these lessons I can take with me to my next job. Fast forward three or four years….Calvin is in preschool and perhaps baby #2 is ready for some socialization…I can go back into the workforce with confidence, remembering all these lessons I’ve learned, making me a better employee. That is something to be thankful for.

So back to the present moment. Fear, Worry, Doubt.  Big scary words, big scary problems.

Regardless of how many times the Lord has answered my prayers and fulfilled our needs in the past, I still seem to grapple with these problems.  Worry can be crippling. It can prevent you from feeling happy, from finding joy in all situations, from realizing just how blessed we are. I’ve been challenged lately…mainly by her, and by her. Both have dealt with worry, fear, and have come out on top. I know this is a journey that I’m not going to complete anytime soon. In fact, I can imagine it will be a journey I retravel as life continues to go on. But I hope each time that it is a shorter journey…with less pit stops.

The Lord is doing big things in my and Dave’s life. Big things. Big changes are on the horizion. And as I’ve been able to let go of that fear, worry, and doubt a little bit each day, I’ve learned to trust Him more. Such a hard lesson…one we are never done learning. What does trusting the Lord physically look like? It is so hard to surrender all my worry, fear, and doubt each day, to let go and trust. But yet, we are called to do so, and not doing so is sinful. Holding on to these things keeps us from Christ, keeps us from experiencing His blessings, keeps us from joy.

So here is where I am today: Anxiously awaiting blessings and change that I know are “around the corner,” whether that corner be a week or a year. Trying each day to realize the joy that I have and to let go of fear, worry, and doubt. Making the most of my day to day life and committing to finish strong at work. Being extremely thankful for the past two year of personal growth and reflection, and remembering that the next two, twelve, twenty years will bring even more.